unsent letter / confessional
while in some sort of trance rifling through my belongings again i came across a note i had written a ways back. i was moving boxes on a shelf almost out of reach and it floated ever so gently onto the ground in front of me. if inanimate objects could speak, this one would mock me.
see, i come across this unsent letter repeatedly at the most inopportune times. i've held onto it for a number of years, not able to deliver it to the recipient nor dispose of it myself, so i tuck it into books, folders, boxes, out of sight until the next time i'm in a state poor enough to tear my home down to its atoms.
i read through it and cringe at my own feelings and assumptions and projections. i wonder why i would admit these dramatically floral feelings to someone i met less than a month prior. i laugh at myself in retrospect knowing i'm still the same obsessive freak ive always been.
so - in an effort to exorcise this haunting moment i thought it'd be nice to post it here and show a little humility in the process. you can spare me my dignity and click away now, or enjoy my suffering by scrolling onwards.
tally ho
── .✦
Dear X,
I've held this confessional inside of me - the drafts burning holes through my notebooks.
commanding and consuming...
the day we met, i made a pact with myself to overcome my fear and become your friend.
it took every ounce of courage ive saved up in my life to ask for your number.
i grew up on the road, constantly traveling. i learned that any friends i made would be distant memories soon after. i never really learned how to make friends... i would start to get close to someone and end up hopping trains the next weekend.
for some reason i was more nervous talking to you than anyone else.
so i pushed myself harder than i ever had before, determined. i feigned being outgoing and confident for you.
that first time i brought [redacted] over, i was overcome with silence as i watched a master conversationalist at work.
i felt like such a loser >_<
i let my fear take hold again
i started avoiding plans... turning down invitations. i hated myself for trying so hard... it was embarrassing. my feigned confidence shattered.
i hated myself for saving that scrap with your number scribbled on it in my phone case like a trophy... i hated myself for every time i fantasized about buying you lunch*... i hated myself for thinking too much about how nice your hair smelled that night...
every time i saw you and kept this all behind the flood gates, i would put on a brave face for you and fall apart as soon as we said goodbye.
ive drafted this letter countless times over the past few months and as the frisky bob you gave me grew back into a ragged mullet, i felt crushed by the passing of time and all that ive lost to it.
i cant let myself lose another precious thing
so i send this, unfinished, in hopes that i can provide an explanation for it all. all i want is to put any fear & embarrassment behind me and just be friends.
i would love to try again, hypr.moe
*in a totally normal way btw, i like buying stuff for girls, crucify me.
── .✦
did you make it this far? i think i died somewhere along the way.
handwritten on stationary w a fountain pen to a girl i met a month earlier and hung out with twice btw. jsyk.
listen, i... dont think theres a wrong way to have feelings but... i think there is a wrong way for me to have feelings. and its all of the ways. i think this should be illegal actually. if you call the cops on me now i'll go willingly.
time to burn this thing ! bye !! n_n