on adolescence and shared trauma
"only in adulthood did i learn that my childhood was ... unconventional. constant travel, substance abuse and physical violence in the home, unpredictability at every corner. i locked myself in my room until the moment i was old enough to leave."
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as a social species, we typically expect support from others in times of hardship. most people have family, peers, or a support network in place to satisfy this need. many times in situations of childhood abuse or neglect, children won't have a support network to fall back on. this is why when children bond over a shared trauma, this bond is often stronger and forms faster than friendships built over shared interests or hobbies.
i had access to the internet from an early age and used it to connect with others via tumblr and online games.1 i formed strong friendships with many kids in situations just like mine who used the internet as a form of escape. the anonymity of the internet allowed us to share ideas, hopes, and fears we couldnt speak out loud. i didnt realize it at the time, but this was a pattern that would follow me for the rest of my adolescent life.
as a child, i used trauma dumping as a way to make deeply emotional bonds with others. it took me over 20 years, but as an adult, ive finally healed in a way that allows me to form friendships without the compulsive need to air my own tragedy. part of me wonders if my choice to stay silent on the matter prevents others from understanding me fully. part of me wonders how much of the abuse was actually me to begin with.
it took a while, but eventually i learned that sharing every visceral and excruciating detail of my own trauma with others can traumatize2 or even retraumatize the listener - even if they had offered the listening ear.
realizing this, i made the conscious choice to redact details and shorten stories relating to what exactly happened all those years ago.
by exploring my past, my trauma, and what scares me, and choosing to assimilate these aspects of my psyche into my self as a whole, i find that i can live a less fragmented and more meaningful life. its not just letting go - its integration. it allows the present to take hold of you and creates space to form new bonds unburdened by the past. its the difference between holding your inner childs hand and self-realization through incorporating that child into your entire being.
nothing is truly lost and i believe a lighthearted future awaits us all.
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my favorite online games were club penguin, pixie hollow, and celestialuna online!↩
"Secondary trauma, also known as vicarious trauma, occurs when someone experiences emotional distress from hearing about or witnessing the traumatic experiences of others... leading to symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and hypervigilance."↩