eating dis order journal
funny how it always comes back to this
i like the sense of control, i like the rules and clear expectations, i like the incentive
my most recent relapse happened after i overate one night - because that's all it takes apparently. i went back and forth with myself and eventually gave in and purged it all away. that feeling is so horribly comforting
purging is a line i promised myself i would never cross again after previous health complications so since then i've been good and kept all of my food down ... im disordered, not suicidal
i dont want to share details about my relapse. i think sharing habits can be a slippery slope for me personally;; i have ocd and tend to ruminate on things so um. ill say that for the first couple of months things were bad
recently ive been trying to balance my meals better. rice, a vegetable, and protein. ive been eating a lot of salmon, tuna, rice, eggs, and japanese sweet potato. raw onion, cucumber, tomato, and feta has been a go-to as well ... i like to walk to the store by my house and buy enough for dinner. its a nice ritual
i wonder if ill ever feel comfortable in my body .. after wondering for the past decade, i have a newfound determination to find out
life is lonely and fun again and i feel nostalgic about it all
for funsies
