brainwashing
ive come to enjoy daydreaming so much that i wonder if real life can be equally as satisfying
when i was a kid i came up with this coping mechanism where id tell myself i secretly enjoyed things that distressed me. the anxiety of a balloon being filled to the brim. the sensation of the dentists fingers prodding around - strange metal tools whirring and grinding away. being unsure, rejected, hurt. i crossed my wires bad
i dont get a lot of satisfaction from climax. this doesnt have to do with sex (but i dont like that either.) ive convinced myself the pit in my stomach on an incline is more enjoyable than reaching the peak. that lightheaded feeling when im so scared i could vomit... the uncertainty before release. its fleeting and intangible .. if i could draw it out forever i would
i wish i could find comfort in the relief of that tension. in the safety of a settled stomach and knowing what to expect. in security
sometimes i think being able to depend on things going wrong at a moments notice is better. yknow? no confirmation no rejection. i would almost rather never know. rather play out scenes in my head and let the sickness wash over me
im enjoying things the way they are too much to get better now